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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29406819">Is This Heaven?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/quwarichi/pseuds/quwarichi'>quwarichi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>TheirLoveWasReal, MOTHERFUCKERS [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>15.20 fix-it, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Day 1, Deal With It, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Fix-It, Fluff, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Spoilers, TheirLoveWasReal, and they love each other, because I am done with that bs, i love them, its fine, slight angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:36:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,687</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29406819</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/quwarichi/pseuds/quwarichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean finally finds Cas, he swears he’ll tell him the truth. That is if he actually finds the guy.</p><p> </p><p>Part of #TheirLoveWasReal Day 1: Carry On</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>TheirLoveWasReal, MOTHERFUCKERS [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2160264</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Their Love Was Real: a Destiel &amp; Saileen Fanworks Challenge</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Is This Heaven?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I am so excited by this. My gay little heart is beating. A big thank you to the amazing people who created this challenge and finally got me to publish several fics in one week. A huge shoutout to my lovely beta, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/GatorGirl2016/pseuds/GatorGirl2016">GatorGirl2016</a>, who pushed past her limits and edited the heck out of this. This is day 1 out of 7 and I've already got three more fics lined up. Hope you enjoy my first AO3 fic!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Dean finally finds Cas, he swears he’ll tell him the truth. That is if he actually finds the guy. How big can Heaven be that Dean hasn’t seen him yet?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s been driving the roads of Heaven for years; at least it’s felt like years. He can’t really be sure how much time has passed since he came to Heaven. All Bobby had said was that time moved differently here than it did on Earth. What Dean did know was even with all of his driving, he was no closer to finding the person he was looking for. From the second Bobby told Dean that Cas was back, he had been looking for the angel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Searching for Cas wasn’t something new to Dean; he had been doing it for the past twelve years. Once again, Cas was missing, and like all the times before, Dean was doing his best to find him. Except, this time was different than all the rest. Before, they had danced around each other, never telling one another their true feelings. Now, now Dean knows that Cas is in love with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas apparently doesn’t know shit about Dean’s own feelings, though. Cas, who was always willing to sacrifice himself for Dean, had admitted his love for the hunter even though he thought Dean couldn’t reciprocate. For Cas, just admitting the truth had brought him such happiness that he had been able to summon the Empty and save Dean’s life in the process. He left Dean, who was too stunned to believe what he had heard, who hadn’t been able to muster up those three stupid words. Three simple words, and Cas would have known that Dean felt the same way and so much more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeah, sounds like them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s why Dean is now driving down every road, checking out every crossroad, and scanning every landmark he passes. He is searching for Cas, desperate to tell him the truth. Screw awkward chick flick moments; Dean had sworn to himself to finally tell Cas what was in his heart. The angel deserved as much. That is if he could ever find Cas. Heaven was massive; seriously, he’s going to have </span>
  <em>
    <span>words </span>
  </em>
  <span>with Jack, and Dean was losing hope by the second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn it, Cas, where the hell are you?” Dean cries, slamming his fist against the steering wheel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has tried praying multiple times, expecting Cas to pop up in the passenger seat with his dumb, ugly trenchcoat and stupid perfect hair and dumb gorgeous face. He would use his stupid hot voice to say, “Hello, Dean,” and ask what’s wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean continues to scan the road, muttering under his breath, “Stupid, perfect, idiotic angels and their dumb trenchcoats.” Life was so much simpler when it was just him and Sam. Why did he have to go and fall for an Angel of the Lord?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Probably because he was stupid, too. Dean snorts in bemusement, finally understanding the term ‘idiots in love.’ There’s no doubt about it, he and Cas, they’re in love. They have been for years, but Dean was too much of a coward to see it. Now, knowing he was in love and it was reciprocated was a mind-blowing revelation that makes him want to laugh, cry, and throw up all at once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>More time passes, an hour maybe, and still no sign of Cas. Dean runs his hand through his hair in a failed attempt to keep his distress from consuming him. Why the hell hasn’t he seen Cas or even heard a word from him yet? If this was supposed to be Heaven, then Cas should have been the first person Dean had seen upon arriving. Cas should be the freaking dead-center of it all along with his parents and Sam. Maybe not Sam, but eventually. If not because Dean is in love with the guy, then because Cas is, without a doubt, Dean’s best friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hear that, Cas?” Dean shouts, looking up at the sky through the windshield. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Best friend</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You’re my best friend! We can make freakin’ matching friendship bracelets and braid each other’s hair if you would just pop your fine feathery ass down here for a second.” Dean was not above begging, and he would get down on his knees in a heartbeat if that’s what it took. Dean snorts; on his knees, begging, is not how he pictured his first time getting on his knees for Cas. Not that he imagines being on his knees for Cas often, just once in a while. Every few months, weeks, days. Mostly in his morning showers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean waits with bated breath, but there’s no sudden wing flap or divine sign from above letting him know where Castiel, Dorkiest Angel of the Lord, is. Dean grits his teeth and sighs, his shoulders slumping in defeat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, be that way,” Dean growls. Not having to worry about any other cars on the road, he makes a sudden U-turn and starts driving back the way he just came. Dean plans on checking on his parents, then stopping by the Roadhouse for a few drinks, briefly wondering if every beer he’ll drink is going to taste as crappy as the one he drank with Bobby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean glances out the window and slams on the breaks as hard as he can. The Impala’s wheels screech against the asphalt, and Dean’s entire body shoots forward, almost flying out of the windshield. The Impala slams to a stop, and Dean winces at the smell of burnt rubber and smoking gasoline. He stares disbelievingly out the windshield, and all of his worries fade away as he takes in the person standing in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Standing with his hands in his coat pockets like he didn’t almost just get hit by a car is Cas, looking right into Dean’s soul with his bright sky-blue eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stare at each other for what feels like hours, obviously surprised to see one another. Dean takes in Cas with wide, stinging eyes. He hasn’t blinked in a while, but Cas is there in front of him, and he’s as beautiful as the last time Dean saw him. Dean’s pretty sure he just forgot how to breathe and every other bodily function that’s important to keep him alive.  While Dean might be dead, his body has decided that it still likes the taste of oxygen, and a few shallow breaths are punched out of him. He’s still mute as he continues to stare at Cas, his brain having short-circuited. The only thing Dean’s mind can register is the all-consuming need and desire burning in his veins. All he wants to do is get out of the car, march up to Cas, and kiss him senseless. How easy it is to admit that now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas blinks, breaking eye contact, and looks at the car with a frown. He glances back at Dean, his mouth moving, but Dean can’t hear him with the windows rolled up and the music still blaring.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean throws the door open. “Just wait,” he calls, almost tumbling out and falling face-first into the asphalt below. He glances at Cas with a sheepish grin, but the angel is still scowling at him. “Hold on, let me-” Dean straightens to his full height and smoothes out his wrinkled clothes. He shuts the door behind him and looks at Cas, a smile on his face. “There, that’s better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s smile fades when he notices that Cas is still looking at him with a scowl. He feels his heart rate kick up, and he swallows around the lump in his throat as he slowly makes his way towards Cas. Cas is a statue, and besides the frown that still stretches his lips, his face is unreadable. That unnerves Dean, who considers himself an expert in reading Cas’ facial expressions and mannerisms. Dean notices Cas’ hands, which are clenching and unclenching like he’s trying to grab something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean licks his dry lips and attempts a weak smile. “Heya, Cas.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas punches him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stumbles back, his hand flying up to cover his suddenly stinging cheekbone. “Dude, what the fuck?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas grabs him by his jacket lapels and drags him forward, forcing their gazes to lock. Cas glares at Dean, his eyes glowing a bright blue in all the righteous angel fury Dean forgot Cas was capable of. Cas shakes him, and Dean’s teeth clack together painfully. “That’s my line,” Cas growls. He fucking growled, holy shit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, Cas, I don’t know what you’re mad about, but-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Silence,” Cas snarls. “Dean, of all the stupid, dumb, stubborn things you’ve ever done, I’ve never been as tempted to smite you as I am right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean blinks, dumbfounded. “Um, sorry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas scoffs. “Are you even aware of why I’m angry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean shrugs. “I’m assuming it has something to do with me dying. But look, it’s not like I </span>
  <em>
    <span>tried </span>
  </em>
  <span>to get myself killed. It just kind of happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This isn’t funny, Dean!“ Cas shakes him a little, and Dean’s arms flap uselessly at his sides. “Do you have any idea how angry I am?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A lot?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’ face is full of righteous fury and the desire to smite Dean where he stands. If Dean weren’t still in shock from seeing the angel again and being punched by him, he’d probably think Cas is pretty hot. Even in his dazed state, Dean's mind is taking notes of how close their faces are and how Cas’ warmth is seeping through his clothes where he’s holding Dean. “Dammit, Dean! I pulled you out of Hell! I turned against my own kin for you! I have fought by your side and protected you for years!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Those are not questions, but Dean feels the need to nod in confirmation. Yeah, Cas did all of that and more. He did a lot more, and Dean never properly thanked him for it. “Cas, I-” Dean attempts, shame and guilt seeping through him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas cuts him off. “So how, in the name of all creation, could you </span>
  <em>
    <span>die </span>
  </em>
  <span>from such a </span>
  <em>
    <span>simple </span>
  </em>
  <span>injury?” Cas asks, staring into Dean’s eyes, all the way to his soul.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That shakes Dean out of his stupor, and he grips Cas’ forearms hard enough to bruise, startling Cas out of his smiting mode. With Cas’ words washing over him like a bucket of cold water, he glares at the angel. “First off,” Dean growls, ticked off by Cas’ misplaced anger. “Getting stabbed in the back by a piece of rebar is not what you’d call a</span>
  <em>
    <span> simple</span>
  </em>
  <span> injury, and it’s not like you were there to heal me because you were dead. Or, I thought you were. But you were just up here hanging out with the angels and Jack, too busy to stop by and let Sam and I know you were alive. So, don’t come at me with all righteous fury and glowing eyes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas tries to pull away, but Dean refuses to let him go. He can see the guilt flickering in Cas’ eyes, and it fuels his anger even more. “You were the one who left </span>
  <em>
    <span>me, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Cas! You said you lov- you said </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> and then left. You had the whole big speech, and then you fucking left! I’ve prayed to you, begged for you to come back to me, but you chose to stay away! So, now you tell me what the hell that was about!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It might just be Dean’s imagination, but up-close Cas’ cheeks seem very pink all of a sudden. The angel’s eyes are not on Dean anymore, darting everywhere but the hunter. “That was,” Cas clears his throat, shifting on his feet. “It was for me, nothing you need to concern yourself with. You can just forget about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean shakes Cas, crumpling the trenchcoat sleeves in his hands. Oh, hell no. “Snowball’s chance, buddy. Not every day, my best friend confesses his undying love for me and then dies before I can process what he said. I didn’t get a chance to say anything back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas nods, looking pained. “It’s alright, Dean,” he assures him, the asshole. “I don’t expect anything from you; I just told you because we needed the Empty to come and to do that-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-you needed to feel happy, which by the way, is a fucking stupid deal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas glares at him. “It’s not like you and Sam haven’t made stupid deals, Dean. Need I remind you that you and I met because of such a deal?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean huffs. How could he ever forget the deal that led him to Hell and ultimately Cas? He hadn’t forgotten that when he did meet Cas for the first time, he stabbed the angel in the chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas sighs, resigned. “You don’t need to say anything about it, Dean. In fact, we can just pretend it never happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean makes a ticking noise at the back of his throat. “How in the world do you expect me to pretend it didn’t happen? Ever since you died, that’s all I’ve been able to think about! Do you not- do you not feel that way about me anymore? Was it just a lie to summon the Empty?” Dean asks, hurt leaking into his voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’ eyes widen, and fury boils in their depths. “Don’t be ridiculous, Dean. I may have used my love for you to summon the Empty, but it isn’t a plaything. I will love you until the sun  explodes and takes the planets with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean is not </span>
  <em>
    <span>blushing</span>
  </em>
  <span>; he just isn’t. Fuck, he’s so in love with Cas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean’s cheeks burn with heat, and he feels his heart beat faster at Cas’ declaration. “If you won’t forget it, then neither will I.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas pleads, his voice breaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t forget it,” Dean insists, shaking his head. “I don’t want to forget it. You know, Cas, you lied to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas shakes his head vehemently. “Dean, everything I said was true. How could you-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it was true,” Dean says, cutting Cas off. “But you said you’d stay with me, that you wouldn’t leave. But you did. You left, Cas, and you didn’t come back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you would be alright,” Cas whispers, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He looks at Dean, begging the hunter to admit he was fine without him.  “Dean, you don’t need me. You’ve never </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> me. You just kept me around, so I knew you’d be fine if I didn’t return.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stumbles backward, feeling like Cas punched him in the gut. “Dammit, Cas, of course, I need you! I’ve always needed you,” Dean shouts, his voice shaking. “Every time you died, every time I lost you, it was like a piece of me died too. Every time you’d go away, all I wanted to do was grab you and ask you to fucking stay. I just wanted you to stay with me! Even when I was pissed at you, I didn’t want you to leave! I would have begged you if I thought it would make you stay!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why didn’t you?” Cas demands, staring at Dean with hurt and confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I was scared shitless!” Dean feels tears rolling down his cheeks, and he wipes them away in frustration. “Cas, everybody I love leaves me. Anyone I have ever cared about - my mom, my dad, Sammy - they all left me. Then you came along all angelic and holy, and you saw the dark and twisted parts - all of the fucked up parts of me - and you stayed anyway. But you were an angel, God’s mindless weapon, and I knew that you couldn’t feel emotion like humans do. Even if you could feel a semblance of love like we do, why would you waste it on a guy like me? I’m not a good guy, Cas, and I’ve never seen myself as one. I might not be a monster, but I’m no hero. But you, you saw me as this caring, wonderful person and that- that got you killed. You left, just like everyone always does.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas reaches out and cups Dean’s cheek, his face frozen in shock as tears flow freely down his cheeks. “Dean, you have to know I never wanted to leave you, but saving you was my top priority. Even if I was gone, you were alive, and that’s what mattered.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean leans into Cas’ hand and takes a shaky breath, gathering up whatever’s left of his courage. “Cas, you said you want something that you can’t have, but you just assumed you couldn’t have it,” Cas opens his mouth to protest, but Dean surprises the angel, covering Cas’ mouth with his hand. “Let me say this, please.” Cas nods, and Dean continues, “You assumed that you couldn’t have me and that I didn’t love you, but you were wrong. You died and didn’t give me a chance to say that I love you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The quiet that follows is stifling, and Dean can hear his heartbeat booming in his ears. He’s sure that Cas, with his enhanced abilities, can hear it as well. Cas’ head is tilted as he stares at Dean, looking shaken by the hunter’s revelation. Dean licks his lips, fighting off the desire to kiss Cas’ lips or jaw or even his forehead. He wonders if Cas would like kissing, but he knows now isn’t the time and shakes his head, filing those questions away for a later date.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas,” Dean bravely soldiers on despite the churning of his stomach and the feeling that he is free-falling off a cliff. He reaches out and tucks a stray strand of hair behind Cas’ ear. His voice is shaking and tear clogged as he says, “Cas, you said that you couldn’t have what you want, but the truth is, you already had it. You had me. I was yours, </span>
  <em>
    <span>am </span>
  </em>
  <span>yours, if you… still want me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean…” Cas’ whispers tenderly, his lips trembling and tears rolling down his cheeks. It’s an expression that Dean is achingly familiar with because it has haunted his dreams and every waking moment since Cas went to the Empty. Dean had thought he would never see Cas look at him with such adoration again. “Are you serious? Do you mean it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean gives a single nod of his head. “Of course I do! How could I not? I’m yours, Cas. I always have been.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas turns away from him, staying silent, refusing to give Dean even a hint of what is passing through his head. Dean struggles to stay on his feet, the suspense nearly driving him to his knees. The churning in his gut has been replaced with a million fluttering butterflies, and his heart feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of his throat. Dean takes a shaky breath, waiting for the moment when Cas looks back at him and tells him this was just a big misunderstanding. Cas will tell him it was a joke or that he regretted telling Dean he loved him because he had come to realize that was a lie.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas faces Dean, who is prepared to have his heart shattered. Dean lets out a gasp when Cas seizes the back of his neck and crushes their lips together. His eyes are wide open as he stares at Cas kissing him, but they drop close as elation rushes through Dean, and he attempts to kiss Cas senseless. The angle of their heads is awkward, and Cas is holding the back of Dean’s head a little too tightly, but it is the best kiss Dean has ever experienced. With just a mere press of his lips, Cas has ruined Dean for anyone else. There will never be another person who could kiss like Cas, whose lips are slightly chapped but kisses Dean soft and sweet. Dean cups Cas’ face with one hand and runs his thumb over the angel’s permanent five-o-clock shadow, causing Cas to melt in his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas seems content to kiss forever, but soon enough, Dean’s lungs are demanding oxygen. He’s tempted to ignore them, he’s in Heaven after all, and it isn’t possible to die twice. Probably. Dean tries to ignore his lungs’ desperate plea for air, but he reluctantly pulls away and takes a few deep breaths. He leans his forehead against Cas’, a scant inch between their panting mouths.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn, Cas,” Dean chuckles, puffing hot air against Cas’ lips. “Who taught you to kiss like that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas hums. “The pizza man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean can’t help it; he throws his head back and laughs a deep belly laugh. Cas is smiling at him, clearly feeling smug about his little quip. Dean grins brightly, his cheeks stained red, not that he cares. He’s happy, ecstatic, and judging by the gummy smile on Cas’ face, the angel is just as thrilled. Dean drags his fingers across Cas’ jaw, knowing he’s the reason the other man is so happy. He decides right then that there is no better feeling in the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, right. “Hey, Cas?” Dean says softly, nuzzling his nose against the angel’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean can feel Cas’ smile against his lips. “Yes, Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Dean says, kissing the bolt of Cas’ jaw.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas blinks, his smile widening until his teeth and gums are showing. He cups Dean’s face in both hands, his thumbs rubbing small circles into the skin. “I love you, too.” Cas kisses him gently before pulling away, not giving Dean a chance to deepen the kiss. “Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looks at him with glazed eyes. “Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you ever again think you’re not a good person or that I am incapable of loving you, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>will </span>
  </em>
  <span>smite you,” Cas growls, emphasizing his point. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean grins. “Yes, honey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas rolls his eyes. “Be quiet and kiss me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean wraps his arms around Cas’ waist and kisses his angel yet again, happily complying with Cas’ order. “This really is Heaven,” Dean whispers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be together until the end of time,” Cas says before covering Dean’s mouth with his own, showing Dean just how much he loves him.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! See you tomorrow for Valentine's Day and Day 2!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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